Desire, Trauma, and Truth: What Nadège Wants You to Know About Sex

Opening & Personal Journey

POH-Frank: Let’s start at the beginning—what was your personal turning point that led you to become a sex scholar?

Nadège: I became a sex scholar because I didn’t like sex. Intimacy made me feel anxious, and sex was painful. Whether it was my body shutting down or my mind blocking me, I couldn’t enjoy pleasure. I went to doctors and spoke to therapists, but no one could point me in the right direction. I never dreamed of becoming a sexologist, but then I arrived at UC Berkeley and discovered that I could study this for myself. It was empowering to realize that I could become the leader I needed and heal myself. What I didn’t realize was that this was only the beginning of a journey where, 15 years later, I would have helped over 2,000 people heal the very things that were keeping me frustrated, angry, and insecure all those years ago.

POH-Frank: You’ve spoken about not enjoying sex and experiencing pelvic pain. How did that early disconnect shape your curiosity around pleasure and healing?

Nadège: Pelvic pain made it very obvious that sex was not working for me the way it was working for everyone else. Or at least, that was how it felt in my mind. Like I must be doing something wrong—or my body is somehow wrong—and everyone else is doing something right. This desperation to understand why I was different shaped my curiosity around pleasure and healing. From the outside, I could see no reason why I experienced pain where others experienced pleasure. It made me hungry to understand sex in all its complexity, so that I could live a life defined by solutions rather than problems. When we are uneducated, it’s easy to feel hopeless, and after years of painful sex, I did feel hopeless. If knowledge is power, then sexual knowledge is empowering. My curiosity is my most empowering trait, and it guided me through those years of pain into pleasure.

POH-Frank: You mention studying neuroscience, psychology, and even training as a Dominatrix—what surprised you most as you went deeper into this work?

Nadège: Sex workers are the best people to learn from—better than your doctor, your professor, or your friend. First off, your Gynecologist and Urologist have no sex education training. This isn’t your doctor’s fault; it’s the fault of a medical system that sees sex as a sanitized, biological function. Even a therapist has no sex education training unless they become specialized as a sex therapist. The more I studied sex, the more I learned from sex workers, porn stars, and kinky professionals. People whose very job relies on being sexually educated and sexually empowered. Most people need more than basic sex education, you need to learn about sexual confidence and sexual communication. I learned how to talk about sex when I became a Dominatrix, not when I studied psychology. And I learned how to unlock my version of sexual empowerment by working with porn performers. If you want to learn about sex, talk to a sex worker.

And an important reminder, sex work is not the same as sex trafficking. If it’s not consensual, it’s not sex work.

POH-Frank: What did becoming a sex scholar at UC Berkeley allow you to explore that traditional therapy didn’t?

Nadège: It let me be in the driver’s seat. In therapy, for better or worse, I was in a container that was capped based on the level of knowledge and expertise my therapist had. As a sex scholar, all the doors are open to me. I was able to study at the largest sex library in the world, looking through centuries of history on BDSM. I became connected with networks of body workers and somatic healers, so I could learn more about healing trauma through touch. It was important to me to feel free to explore not just sex, but healing. I love therapy and believe in it, but sexual empowerment needs more than traditional talk therapy. Sex is a body-based activity, and to heal your sex life, you need to activate the entire body, not just the mind.

POH-Frank: You talk about viewing sex as a transaction. How did you transform that belief into something nourishing and empowering?

Nadège: When I first started having sex, I viewed sex as a transaction. If I gave someone sex, I hoped for love or acceptance in return. The first step to healing this toxic and unsatisfying mindset was becoming aware of it. We cannot heal what we are not aware of. Once I realized I had an expectation to get something in return for sex, I realized the sex I was having was not mine. It was a performance. I became obsessed with discovering what activated these impulses and, over time, was able to recognize my triggers and heal them. Today, I love sex, whether it’s casual or not. I’m able to honor my boundaries and voice my desires, so that sex feels nourishing and empowering. I have no problem leaving a situation that doesn’t serve me, at any time. These are the ingredients for my empowerment, and it took conscious effort and a commitment to my dream life to get to this place.

Healing Through Sexuality

POH-Frank: In your experience, what are some of the most common emotional blocks that prevent people from enjoying sex?

Nadège: If you take any emotional block someone has about sex, the root is always a moment that made you feel powerless and worthless. Unworthiness and feeling powerless are diverse experiences that all result in the same fixed state: shame. In our society, to be normal means to associate shame with sex. So when something makes us feel powerless and unworthy about sex, we tend to believe it quicker than we would something else. These shame stories get ingrained into your brain and body on a cellular level, until you believe them to be true. Then, these emotional blocks stop you from believing in your potential and stop you from trusting in sex.

POH-Frank: Why do you think shame around sex is still so persistent, even in progressive spaces?

Nadège: Shaming sex is so persistent because the dominant cultures across the globe benefit from it. If you can control birth, you can control the population. If you can control the population, you can control the economy. As it stands, we have been living in 12,000 years of patriarchy. Throughout this time, humans have learned that they must assimilate to ensure the survival of their children. We teach the people we love to shame sex to protect them from social stigma, and it has been this way for thousands of years — dating back to Ancient Egypt. Even in progressive spaces, we are still fighting the way we each have internalized the idea that enjoying sex is shameful and dangerous. However, I still have hope. Every day, I speak to people who have open hearts and curious minds. People who want to change how things are and are willing to start by changing themselves. Despite the difficulties of the past, I have hope for the future.

POH-Frank: When clients begin to heal their relationship with sex, what are some of the first changes they notice in other areas of life?

Nadège: You will make more money. You will be more creative. You will have relationships that are exciting adventures with happy endings. When you know how to ask for what you want and trust in sex, you become unstoppable because you’ve done what society has tried to tell you is impossible. There is no feeling greater than realizing the impossible is possible, and it changes how you show up to your life.

POH-Frank: How do you guide someone who has experienced trauma or views sex as threatening back into a sense of safety and embodiment?

Nadège: I love this question, but to answer it would do a disservice to everyone reading. You have a unique path back to trusting yourself and your body. It involves coaching, talk therapy, movement, and being guided by a trusted professional who knows about sex and trauma-informed healing.

POH-Frank: You emphasize healing the sexual subconscious—how does this differ from conscious mindset work or talk therapy?

Nadège: Most of what’s blocking your sex life lives in the subconscious because we’ve been taught to keep sex private and hidden. This work is vital to your healing process because awareness is 80% of the healing journey’s medicine. You cannot heal what you are not aware of, and when you become aware of what’s holding you back, you catapult forward 80% in your healing journey. The rest of the 20% will be about taking action, committing to the process, and being gentle with yourself along the way.

Energy, Intimacy & the Body

POH-Frank: What role does somatic body healing play in transforming one’s relationship to sex and pleasure?

Nadège: It brings the body into the healing journey in a world that often focuses solely on the mind. You can find and release blocks you didn’t realize were there, and teach your body how to receive pleasure. I include somatic work in all the healing I do because it allows for rapid healing and quicker results, especially in sex. As I mentioned above, sex is a bodily experience, so we must connect to the body to heal.

POH-Frank: There’s a growing conversation around sex as an energy exchange. What’s your take on this, especially regarding casual encounters or sex with strangers?

Nadège: Sex is an energy exchange, and it is meant to be an energy exchange. All forms of social interactions are energy exchanges, and this is nothing to fear or grow skeptical about, especially in casual sex, which can be wonderful. I always love the mantra, “If it feels like a yes, I allow myself to try and I release the outcome.” When it comes to life (and sex), you either win or you learn, no losers here, so have fun!

POH-Frank: Do you believe there’s a difference between sex and intimacy? And how do you help clients reclaim both in a world of swipe culture and digital disconnection?

Nadège: Intimacy is about emotional connection and feeling seen by the people around you. You can have intimacy with friends, family, as well as romantic partners. Sex is a way we experience intimacy, but sex is also a way we play, explore, and enjoy life. You reclaim intimacy and sex by being discerning with the people and situations you entertain. Where attention goes, energy flows. If you want to reclaim sex or intimacy, stop entertaining people or situations that make you feel consistently tired, insecure, or bored.

POH-Frank: What’s your perspective on celibacy or periods of sexual pause as part of a healing journey?

Nadège: I am a big fan of taking a break from sex or dating as needed. It can help clear the mind and allow you to feel centered. For some people, it’s an important part of the healing journey, while others aren’t called to celibacy as a healing practice. Everyone is different, and there is no right or wrong way to heal.

Sexual Identity & Gender Dynamics

POH-Frank: Do you find men and women experience different core wounds around sex—or are the patterns of pain and shame more universal than we think?

Nadège: There are differences in how men, women, and people across the gender spectrum experience sexual wounding, but the root of the wound is often universal. Everyone longs to feel seen, desired, and safe. What we see as different is often how those wounds are expressed.

POH-Frank: As a queer practitioner, do you feel you bring a unique lens when working with male or female clients—or those across the gender spectrum?

Nadège: Absolutely. Being queer (and kinky) taught me firsthand that happiness is unique, personal, and sacred. You are allowed to want what you want and follow your bliss with other consenting adults. My work is about helping people find their authentic sexual happiness, not to live the life, gender, or sexuality society assigned to them. This helps people across all identities feel safe to explore what’s true for them, beyond what they were taught they should want.

POH-Frank: What do you wish more straight-identifying people understood about the fluidity and freedom of queer sexuality and healing?

Nadège: That queerness isn’t just about who you’re attracted to — it’s about having permission to question, play, and create your own rules around sex, love, and identity. Straight people can benefit deeply from this too. You don’t have to change your orientation to explore sex and intimacy with more freedom. The healing is in realizing that your desires and your way of loving don’t have to fit a box.

Guidance & Vision

POH-Frank: What would you tell a woman who feels disconnected from her sexuality but deeply wants to reawaken that part of herself?

Nadège: I’d say: it’s already there. That part of you isn’t lost — it’s waiting for your attention. Start small. Breathe into your body. Get curious about what brings you aliveness in and out of the bedroom. And know that you don’t have to do it alone — there are tools, guides, and practices that can help you feel safe enough to reconnect.

POH-Frank: What would you say to a man who craves sexual connection but fears being “too much” or judged for his desire?

Nadège: Your desire is not the problem. The world has taught you to feel ashamed for wanting deeply. But your desire can be a beautiful, connective force — when it’s paired with respect and self-awareness. The work is to honor what you want, while creating space for the person you’re with to feel safe and seen too. When you master that, you stop feeling “too much” and start feeling powerful in the best way.

POH-Frank: And finally, what is your ultimate wish for the future of sexuality—both individually and as a collective society?

Nadège: A world where people feel safe to explore, express, and celebrate their love and pleasure without shame. And individually? That each person learns to trust their body, honor their truth, and create relationships that are rich with honesty, play, and connection.

POH-Frank:   Thank you so much for your time -this was really fun. To more healing sex to come ! 

photo credit: cottonbro, ketut-subiyanto